Family

Families survive on trust and open communication. If we assume some motive about some family member’s actions, it won’t work. In most cases the assumption will be wrong (a fact that has more to do with the nature of assumptions than the one making them). During Covid we saw a lot of such situations. A child was prone to allergies — so much so that there were few medicines left anymore that would not not trigger an allergic response. His grandfather is infected with Covid and the child is afraid of getting infected not because he is afraid of the medicines but because he is afraid of the allergic reaction he might produce as a result. He remembered the way his eye-lids had swollen because of some medicine he had taken. Because of this fear, he left his grandfather in middle of an episode of Covid infection. There was still some help available for him as his cook used to be a nurse earlier. But in the abruptness of the child’s departure and his being infected with Covid too (in a few days), his grandfather felt abandoned. There was no open conversation between the two about the reasons for the child’s departure. Each person making a flawed judgement in the progress. The child assumed that his grandfather knew of his allergic reaction to medicines (when in fact he didn’t) and the grandfather accepted his feeling abandoned as being backed by a factual and true claim. This feeling compounded and became more intense in the subsequent months. For assumptions to be wrong is the easiest thing and it is very common for them to be so. Instead of assuming them to be right, if we assume them to be wrong; it might be wiser. Parents can have expectations from their children and they have a right to do so. It is not a tit-for-tat like situation — but just like that. As a friendly gesture, as the product of an authentic relationship.

Families also thrive on feeling free. Behaviour is not regulated or controlled in any way. All sides can do anything they want to. Unfortunately this freedom has been misunderstood to mean the freedom to perform actions that are less caring. But it can also mean less or more mischievous actions. Families have a lot of room for mischief. Mischief is not a vestigial outgrowth of a childhood instinct. It can also be thought to be the break-time of an otherwise fully matured relationship. Actions played out in this break-time can heal the anguish produced by extremely directed behaviour. Directed behaviour produces anguish as collateral because not all its attributes are of meaningful behaviour. Some attributes are mischievous and some are fragments of meaningless behaviour. Being aware of this proportion is useful as it instructs our efforts in conducting behaviour of different kinds. Sometimes all mischievous, sometimes all meaningless. Meaning is a vague pursuit. If in a familial relationship and conversation, any side is continuously trying to paint a perfect picture, it will eventually fail. The thing about families is that imperfect pictures (or non-ideal personas) are acceptable. Personas which are ideal sound false. Nobody will accept them easily. Because idealism is necessarily only a one-sided view of any situation. When this one-sided view becomes a view that is aware of multiple-viewpoints, it naturally becomes more acceptable. A more acceptable persona is a more honest persona. No-one is trying to make-believe a story — that is a lie to begin with. Freedom / feeling free is another outcome of a persona that is aware of multiple viewpoints.

Families also thrive on truthfulness. Like we already saw, there are instances of painting personas which are perfect and then sell them to the family as truth. But nobody buys these personas. Because it does not fit our prior experiences and memories of interacting with the person before. They know it is a lie. They know that the lie has been formulated to make it acceptable to them. Families can be judged in terms of how many lies it takes to keep them in operational condition. A family that allows each member to truthfully relate their story is a family that has a healthy appetite for multiciplicities. It doesn’t expect individual members to lie to be accepted by the family. For such families, acceptance is broad idea. Anything can fit its frame of acceptability. It rejects idealistic personas by default.

Families also thrive on misfits. This factor is related to the previous one. Misfits in families are not forced to lie and fit in (or accepted), they speak the truth and are accepted anyway. This ability of families to remain open is a welcome trait for individuals who don’t have cookie-cutter biographies and people who have not bothered to adhere to a strict discipline governing what they do and what they don’t.